Morning. It was Smyth's birthday last night so the least popular member of the sport de... the hardest working member of the sport desk was nominated to remain sober, go top bed early, wakes up early and sub for him on the OBO. I can honestly say going to a social event with my colleagues sober was one of the worst experiences of my life – even worse than working with my colleagues sober – and I was quite glad to slip away. Incidentally, I dreamed I was getting KP to guess people's middle names. He even knew Emile Heskey's is Ivanhoe. I woke up as we got to Ian Bell. It's R for Ruthless, KP.
The start of today's play will be crucial. A quick couple of wickets and we're into Pakistan's lucious long tail and England could have a chase of 100-150 or so. A target of over 200 will be very tricky for England though.
Tom Peach's email was waiting for me when I got into the office: "Was very unhappy the Indians were sent packing in only one hour this morning. Sachin & Bradman both defined by the number 99. I would think any target over 200 will have England jittery today," he writes from Sydney. "That said the Ashes next year is already looking feisty (too early to be thinking Ashes?)" 5.30am on a Saturday morning is too early to think of anything.
In three days I am flying out to Chile for three weeks, which is lovely. But the journey is 24 hours, which is terrible. Mainly because it takes about five minutes on the bus before my friend and I start to quarrel. A few years ago we went to Vietnam and had a fistfight just before takeoff about who had the window seat (it said window seat on my ticket, the injustice still burns) before we realised we were about to be shot by air marshalls. So today's riff can be Terrible Journeys Of My Time.
Here's Patrick Murphy: "Foggy in Abu Dhabi this am Tom. Any word on the start time?" Ah, that Abu Dhabi fog. We're due to start on time, as far as I'm aware. Stuart Broad has just been on the telly, and he reckons England would be happy to chase anything up to 250. Dave Langlois doesn't agree with him though: "Jittery with 200? Much less. I'm really quite amazed that most pundits are giving England as favourites in this situation. With their fragility and pusillanimity against this excellent spin attack they'd be pushed in last innings to get any more than a ton, 120 at most."
Mike Selvey is on hand to give actual analysis rather than my wittering: "If Abu Dhabi were Hove or Scarborough (and the surrounding areas look a bit like that if you imagine the tide a long long way out), us bowlers would be rubbing our hands right now. First thing, you could not see beyond the wall of the hotel garden and on to the golf course next door and the mist still hangs low over the ground.
"It is damp and when the new ball comes around in nineteen overs time, it ought to hoop around. By then, England will hope that the spinners have made further inroads, (although it might be worth giving Jimmy a crack
first up).
"Meanwhile young Copley, Getty's ace snapper has been instructed to go into the surrounding wastelands and take some atmospheric pictures of the ground. Look forward to seeing those taken through the gloom." I've already got Photoshop open to crop a few of those when they come through on the wires.
62nd over: Pakistan 126-4 (lead by 55; Azhar 47, Shafiq 35) Swann starts and Azhar picks up a single from the first ball of the day. Shafiq has a bit of a whizz near the end of the over that was a risky shot for the first over of the day but he survives. It's his 26th birthday today by the way.
63rd over: Pakistan 127-4 (Azhar 48, Shafiq 35) Mike Selvey suggested England might try Jimmy early on as the fog rolls in but they've gone for Broad instead. His first ball is nudged away to mid-on. Shafiq sees off the rest of the over fairly easily. "Worst journey ever?" asks Andy Lindon. "To Leicester. It doesn't matter where from. Just to Leicester."
64th over: Pakistan 129-4 (Azhar 50, Shafiq 35) Azhar brings up his 50 with a tuckaway to square leg, the half-century came off 143 balls. He then gives Cook, at short leg, a quarter-chance but it went very quickly and he didn't have reasonable time to react.
65th over: Pakistan 129-4 (Azhar 50, Shafiq 35)Shafiq is content to block away at Broad. He has a drive at the third ball of the over but KP dives to save the runs. A maiden for Broad. "I didn't drink either last night- despite best attempts of work colleagues," says James Gordon. "On such sacrifices are sporting triumphs built. England to wrap up the win sometime after tea. Thanks to me and you." How often to people hold up gin and make jokes about Gordon's gin to you? Once already today, I suppose.
66th over: Pakistan 130-4 (leads by 60; Azhar 51, Shafiq 35) Panesar is on for Swann. He beats Shafiq all ends up with a lovely delivery but it misses the edge. Trott's off feeling a bit poorly so Finn is fielding in his place. Lord Selve has some advice for Andy Lindon: "Take the positives from the Leicester experience," he says, I imagine tapping a pipe and looking wise. "It follows that the best journey in the world must be from Leicester."
67th over: Pakistan 132-4 (lead by 62; Azhar 53, Shafiq 35) Broad beats Azhar with a ball that pitches just outside off and moves away slightly – England miss the edge again. On Sky Naser Hussain reckons, Pakistan should try scoring some actual runs, while they can. Azhar gets a couple down to deep square leg to finish the over.
68th over: Pakistan 136-4 (lead by 66; Azhar 53, Shafiq 39)Monty has a shout for lbw but it was probably just missing leg stump. England, correctly, don't go for the review. Shafiq then has a biff at a loose ball to score the first boundary of the day. "Not been that bad," says Tom Carver, "but I'm in the middle of a journey that has so far involved three boats, then a bus, two rickshaws, another bus, an aeroplane, a taxi, another three ferries and will end in a taxi. That is what is involved in getting from Malapascua island in the Philippines to Guangzhou, China. And the joy of modern tech is that I can follow the cricket all the way."
69th over: Pakistan 141-4 (lead by 71; Azhar 54, Shafiq 43) Azhar pushes a single to leg for the first ball of the over. He gets better too: a lovely four off a full delivery ends the over. "Big night on tour last night," trumpets Mike Selvey. "Pot of tea in room, rerun of Thelma and Louise on one of the OSN movie channels, the arse end of an early Harry Potter and The Golden Franchise, Times crossword, and sleep. We know how to live I can tell you." That's till more rock and roll than two waters and a shoulder massage from Smyth.
WICKET! Pakistan 142-5 (Shafiq c Andeson b Panesar 43) Just as I was typing that Pakistan were looking relatively comfortable, Monty gets one to turn and Jimmy takes a brilliant catch at slip. Very sharp reactions there.
71st over: Pakistan 143-5 (lead by 73; Azhar 56, Akmal 0) Swann's back on. Big shout for a catch off Akmal after the ball flies to Cook at short leg but it came off the batsman's pad. "On the plus side you don't have the beer fear this morning," says Niall Mullen. "On the down side you've now realised the impossibility of social interaction without alcohol and the idiocy of social interaction with it."
72nd over: Pakistan 143-5 (lead by 73; Azhar 56, Akmal 0) Maiden from Monty. "I just walked for about two miles to visit Billingsgate market," says rdemslie "It was the end of a strange and rambling drunken evening. Fish smell wasn't particularly useful for the ol' belly." Why were you going to a fish market at that time of evening, you're supposed to go to a meat market. Everyone knows that.
73rd over: Pakistan 147-5 (lead by 77; Azhar 56, Akmal 4) Akmal is feeling peppy after a slow start and picks four off the first couple of balls of Swann's over. He makes Monty chase for them too, a cunning tactic to tire out the opposing spinners. "I once persuaded Jim Maxwell, top ABC cricket commentator, that rather than go on the motorway via Leeds, we should travel to Durham via M6 and then across the Pennines via the spectacular A686 from Penrith to Corbridge in Northumberland, and recently voted as one of the great drives in the world," says Mike Selvey on our worst journeys riff. "It pissed down, you could touch the cloud base, and the most spectacular part was driven in thick mist. Maxwell did not think much of it." You should have taken him to Leicester.
74th over: Pakistan 147-5 (lead by 77; Azhar 56, Akmal 4) Monty beats Azhar with a lovely dipping ball but it misses the edge. Monty holds his hands to his head in frustration. An excellent maiden.
75th over: Pakistan 149-5 (lead by 79; Azhar 57, Akmal 5) Akmal attempts the reverse sweep and it nearly plops to Bell, who's fielding at silly point. He sees the funny side though. As do England. Strauss has trotted off the field for a comfort break.
76th over: Pakistan 150-5 (lead by 80; Azhar 58, Akmal 5) Azhar nudges a single but Pakistan are treating Monty with caution. "An Edinburgh to London all-nighter on National Express," says James Stevenson. You can always trust National Express for a nightmare journey story. Although I should point out they offer an economical travel option for the British people before their lawyers get involves. "My then girlfriend and I both had a nasty bout of food poisoning and took it in turns monopolising the loo - to the chagrin of our fellow passengers. Truly miserable. By the way, did Hadley Freeman show up last night? I can only assume successive days of OBO dominated by fashion-related riffs were an attempt to encourage her to attend and sprinkle some much-needed glamour on proceedings." Haldey Freeman was not present. She would have been delighted at some of the fashion though.
77th over: Pakistan 158-5 (lead by 88; Azhar 65, Akmal 6) Azhar gets an edge that runs past the slips to third man for three. The ball is then swept for four. Pakistan are definfitely more comfortable against Swann than Panesar. Bell goes down to leg slip to prevent such nonsense. "The worst journey ever are surely those ones that sang that off Glee," says Rich Kavanagh.
78th over: Pakistan 160-5 (lead by 90; Azhar 65, Akmal 8) Jimmy dashes across from slip to cut off an Akmal sweep, he was off before the ball was hit. I'd started to give him four for that. Excellent fielding.
REVIEW!! Swann could have an lbw here. Davis raises the finger but it looked like it was missing. Hawkeye shows the ball was turning enough to slide past leg. Steve Davis looks quite miffed by the whole thing, more so than England.
79th over: Pakistan 162-5 (lead by 92; Azhar 66, Akmal 8) Pakistan see out the rest of the over but that's the first time Swann has looked dangerous this morning. Enouraging for him and England. That's drinks.
80th over: Pakistan 165-5 (lead by 95; Azhar 66, Akmal 11) Last over before the new ball is due and Monty trundles in again. The second ball of the over goes just wide of second slip. Monty then beats the edge again to end the over. I should probably tell you my National Express story, following on from James Stevenson in the 76th over. I had some "valium" which I'd purchased in Vietnam and, faced with a journey on National Express, took one at the start of the journey. The next thing I knew it was three hours later and I was being shaken awake by the old lady next to me. I had trapped her in the window seat for the last few hours, while she was trying to get to the toilet. I threw the offending tablets away soon afterwards. Her pained face still haunts my dreams.
81st over: Pakistan 167-5 (lead by 97; Azhar 66, Akmal 13) England have taken the ball at the first opportunity and Jimmy Anderson will have his first bowl of the day. The sun's come out and the fog is burning off. Akmal gets a couple off the final ball of the over. "Also an overnight train trip, but mine was from Armidale to Sydney [13 hours; can be driven in seven] on the mail train," says Sarah Jane Bacon. "Wooden seats with a suggestion of vinyl for comfort, no dining car, sputtering lights, the deafening clatter of the wheels, open windows belching smoke and -5C breeze, and every torturous minute spent in the company of drunken university students drenched in the miasma of rum and vomit. Never again. Ever. I took the plane home thereafter and even now, I cope less than well in trains." Ah, rum and vomit, the smell of all good train journeys.
82nd over: Pakistan 168-5 (lead by 98; Azhar 66, Akmal 13) Broad will partner Anderson with the new ball. This is an OBOer's dream after two spinners, there's so much time I feel like I could write a novel. If I had an idea. And could write. Azhar has a think about a prod at a wide-ish ball from Broad but he takes his bat away
WICKET! Pakistan 170-6 (Azhar 68 c Prior b Anderson) A huge wicket as Jimmy removes Azhar who had hung around since approximately 1862. The new ball worked well, the delivery roared up at Azhar who tried to prod it away but it caught the top of the bat and Prior clung on.
83rd over: Pakistan 172-6 (lead by 102; Rehman 2, Akmal 13)"Tuning in to the Monty-Broad show and reading of food poisoning on the National Express, I thought instantly of a Chilean coach, which I discover was the source of the thread," says Liam Drew. "Chile is long and thin, coach rides can be likewise long. Mine was 19 hours and my diarrhea started an hour in. After a third lengthy trip to the back of the vehicle, the conductor ranted at my gringo face for at least 5 minutes. At the end, my Chilean then-girlfriend translated it as 'Stop shitting. Everybody on the bus hates you.' To which, I could only meekly reply, 'But I can't.'" A riposte for the ages. That's why I am staying in the Santiago Airport Hilton for my three weeks, venturing out only for walks around the car park.
WICKET! Pakistan 172-7 (Akmal 13 c Strauss b Broad)Wonderful fielding from KP. Akmal looks like he's got a four with a ball that flies to cover but KP smothers it to save the runs. Akmal looks like he's ready to let fly now: expect a swashbuckling 48, or a wicket in the next few overs .. oh hang on. Make that next delivery. He slashes at it and the ball flies to Strauss at slip. We're into Pakistan's tail now.
85th over Pakistan 177-7 (lead by 107; Rehman 3, Ajmal 4) England will be happy, seeing as some of Pakistan's tail actually average minus runs at Test level. Still, if they can get up to a lead of 160 or so they have a chance. "With news of a stomach bug in the England camp, I think the radio commentary team's use of the phrase 'Broad is loosening up at mid on' could have been chosen a little more carefully," says James Hobbs.
86th over Pakistan 179-7 (lead by 109; Rehman 3, Ajmal 4) A couple of leg byes to start the over. Broad then has a shout for lbw. He wants it reviered but Strauss reckons it was too high. Hawkeye backs him up too. "Some years back I travelled up to Keswick to meet my wife to be as she drove back from Scotland," says romance's Phil Withall. "The bright red 2CV she and her friend had was rickerty to say the least. I had to squeeze my six foot plus body into the back with the luggage and was then battered by gale force winds and driving rain. Had to hold the window shut and the roof of the car down. Every time a lorry went by I honestly thought I would be sucked out of the car and under its wheels. I still can't look a a French car without sobbing."
REVIEW!!! The appeals are coming thick and fast now. Jimmy raises his hands but again the it was just going over the stumps. Pakistan scramble for a single in the ensuing confusion. A few balls later he has another shout and Strauss goes for the review this time. It was only clipping leg though so Davis's decision isn't overturned. England have no reviews left.
87th over Pakistan 180-7 (lead by 110; Rehman 3, Ajmal 4) Pakistan survive the rest of the over.
88th over Pakistan 183-7 (lead by 113; Rehman 3, Ajmal 7) Good fielding from Jimmy, who cuts off what looks like a certain boundary. The batsmen are looking ever so slightly more comfortable now. "I once did Adelaide to Perth on the Indian Pacific train. 36 hours. Not a lot of fun," says Mike Selvey. 400 miles of dead straight track across the Nullabor and a single stop, at Cook, like a frontier town in the Wild West (local
hospital advertising hoarding as the train approached the station read 'If You Feel Crook, Come To Cook': eat your hearts out Madison Avenue), catering of the lowest order (chewy steak, tinned carrots and tinned spuds and a bar that shut when the meal was finished because 'I'm off to have mine now, mate',) and then, much much later, another stop at Kalgoorlie, in the middle of the night, to be taken on a bus ride round the red light district and be waved at cheerily by the local hookers." I was once ID's in the middle of the Nullarbor despite the fact that the nearest policeman was 200 miles away. Still admirable jobsworthing.
89th over Pakistan 187-7 (lead by 117; Rehman 6, Ajmal 8) Swann's back on for Jimmy Anderson. England are surrounding the bat now with a silly point and short leg. Rehman has a heave over mid on and it drops safe.
90th over Pakistan 190-7 (lead by 120; Rehman 8, Ajmal 8) Monty's on for Broad. Rehman cracks a couple through mid-wicket. A single to end the over and Pakistan's lead creeps towards 150.
91st over Pakistan 194-7 (lead by 124; Rehman 10, Ajmal 11) Cook, at short leg, gets a nasty crack on the knee from Rehman's sweep. The knee pads absorbed most of the blow but he's gritting his teeth in discomfort. Swann finds the outside edge near the end of over but it squirts clear of danger.
92nd over Pakistan 198-7 (lead by 128; Rehman 10, Ajmal 11) The ball flies through the slips but Ajmal hadn't touched it. Neither did the England fielders and that's four. A big shout for lbw at the end of the over but it's turned down. England haven't got a review left. It looked like there was the smallest of inside edges anyway. "Reading the OBO, sky's playing the coverage on my laptop and I'm listening to TMS," saysRalph Taylor. "Total cricketing submersion. As soon as they have a drinks break I'm going to go and get into my whites and spikes. Then I'm going to become single very quickly when the wife wakes up..." You could just have had an affair like normal people do.
LUNCH England had a fillip when the new ball was taken with two quick wickets but Pakistan have put a nice partnership together towards the end of the session. England's morning .. just.
93rd over Swann gets things started for England and we have a review...
WICKET!!!!! Pakistan 198-8 (Rehman lbw b Swann 10) Rehman was a long way down, so he referred it but review showed it would have clipped leg so the umpire's decision stands.
94th over Pakistan 198-8 (lead by 128; Ajmal 11, Gul 0) Monty is back on and looking to secure his five-for. That last partnership was useful for Pakistan getting them close to a target they can defend but England are very much in control now. "My wife has returned from work and I proudly showed her my comment (86th over)," says Phil Withall. "Expecting, at the very least, a 'well done dear' you can imagine my disappointment when all I got was a dismissive 'Humph, "romances Phil Withall"?. My planned evening of cricket, red wine and toe nail picking has now been abandoned in favour of a bad movie and providing foot rubs. Thank you sooooo much Mr Lutz, thank you..."
95th over Pakistan 199-8 (lead by 129; Ajmal 11, Gul 1) Gul gets an edge but it runs safe. They then think they have an inside edge which carries to short leg but replays show it was off the pads. "The sad, (but actually boastful), stories about crossing Australia/Chile by bus, train or mule miss the point," says John Culley. "Long journeys may be pants, but all I have to look forward to this fine Saturday, apart from Guardian OBO, is the three and half miles to the vets with an incontinent and terrified cat on board, knowing that for the rest of 2012 my wife will be saying, 'The cars still still got that strange smell - can you clean it again'."
96th over Pakistan 199-8 (lead by 129; Ajmal 11, Gul 1) Gul's single off the last ball of the previous over puts him on strike. Nasser reminds us Gul's highest Test score is 65 - against England. He elects not to take an easy single though – maybe he wants to get his 66 in boundaries. "My worst journey was probably a 24 hour coach journey from Les Arcs in France back to Blighty," says John Tumbridge. "First few hours went 'fine' the two French coach drivers swapping drivers whilst driving down the motorway at about 70 miles an hour. We then stopped at a roadside establishment where us plucky Brits consumed yogurts, museli, orange juice, as it was three in the morning and watched astonished as the drivers between them consumed two large horse steaks and lots of wine.
"The journey recommenced and we then used both lanes of the motorway as the chosen driver, with wine inside, swayed between the two lanes with all of the control of a two year old in a buggy. 48 passengers gripping onto their arm rests, leaving their fingerprints pernamently embedded on the fabric. Being British we said nothing." I bet he got you home faster than he would have done sober though."
97th over Pakistan 205-8 (lead by 135; Ajmal 17, Gul 1) Dropped! Dropped? No. The ball pops up from Ajmal and Bell juggles the ball but it was off his pads, much to his relief. Monty then just about stops a boundary doing some juggling of his own at deep square leg. Ajmal does get a boundary with the final ball of the over though.
WICKET!!!! Pakistan 208-9 (Ajmal c Anderson b Panesar 17) Monty has his five-for! Ajmal had started to look like he's be an awkward obstacle for England but Monty gets some extra bounce and turn, and Anderson takes an easy catch.
99th over Pakistan 214-9 (lead by 144; Gul 10, Junaid Khan 0) Broad's on to put the frighteners on the tailenders. We may see some shots from Gul here who looks like he's going to go down swinging. That said he disappoints us all by leaving the first few balls of the over. Then he cracks the third for six. It lands somewhere in the desert. "Monty Panesar justifies his Beard of Winter 2012 Award as he takes 5 wickets in Pakistan 2nd Innings," says Beard Liberation Front. Maybe Gul should grow one – I quite enjoyed that thwack.
WICKET!!! Pakistan 214 all out (Junaid Khan 0 b Panesar) Khan decides to slog like Gul but only succeeds at slogging thin air and the ball rips into the stumps. Excellent stuff from Monty, who takes 6-66.
So England have a day and a half to make 145 to level the series. The decision to bring in two spinners looks like a good one, although it was Monty rather than the established Swann who ran through Pakistan. "Do non-journeys count," asks Robin Hazlehurst of our worst journeys riff. "I went to Bristol last year for a meeting and figured that by taking the 6am flight home I'd be back at work by lunchtime the next day.
"But as there was an evening social event and a very early flight, there was no point in bothering with a hotel, I'd just stay in a pub until they closed then grab two hours kip at the airport before the flight. Which sort of worked, except that in the morning the aeroplane was broken and the flight cancelled, so instead of a comfy hotel bed and afternoon flight I spent a day hanging around Bristol, Amsterdam and Copenhagen airports with no sleep smelling a bit funny. And to make it worse they put me in business class on the last leg, which was full while the cheap seats were almost empty. And I didn't make it to work that afternoon." Yeah, I hate it when you get a free upgrade to business class. They could at least have made it first.
The target of 145 is no gimme. England have a few out of form batsmen and memories of the capitulations in the last Test are still fresh – for both teams.
"How about this for a worst journey," begins Phil Keegan. "In 1989, I took a 14 hour coach trip from Adana in southern Turkey to Istanbul. An old lady in the seat directly behind me spent the entire 14 hours throwing up due to motion sickness. When she had nothing left inside she continued to violently retch, cough and splutter. What's more, I was suffering from a crushing hangover myself and my body was quite keen to join in the puking. I had a half bottle of Red Label hidden in my jacket pocket, and sipping on that and having my Walkman blasting into my ears just about kept me alive. Overall though, I think the old lady might just win the worst journey award." I was more struck by the Walkman reference. Is that like an iPod? Also, the moral of these stories is that you should never ever go near a coach.
1st over England 1-0 (Target 145; Strauss 1, Cook 0) Hafeez will open the bowling for Pakistan. Right, at 10-an-over this should be over in time for tea. In Strauss's defence, he has only failed to get out of single figures once this series. Hafeez has an average of around 22 against left-handers, by the way.
2nd over England 3-0 (Target 145; Strauss 2, Cook 1) Gul comes in from the other end and gets a bit of swing while he's at it too. Nothing to trouble the batsmen though ... yet. "I can trump all your worst journeys, I took a bnoat trip and was eaten by a whale. A WHALE! To be fair, I got quite a bit of coverage out if it," writes someone claiming to be Jonah out of the Bible. 'Jonah' undermines his claims by failing to write in Aramaic.
3rd over England 6-0 (Target 145; Strauss 3, Cook 3) England keep things ticking over. Bell looks like he's padded up to come in at No3: Trott is ill.
4th over England 8-0 (Target 145; Strauss 4, Cook 4) Lovelt ball from Gul that tucks Cook up. He could easily have got a nick on that. Hey! I thought early scares were Strauss's job. Meanwhile, we may have a winner for worst journey. Here's Arthur Seeley:
"While working for VSO in the Solomon Islands I was stranded in Munda for three days waiting for a seat on a plane. Each that arrived was full. I was eating quietly in a small motel close to the airport when one of their staff came over and said there was a special flight and a spare seat. The special flight I discovered was to fly a dead lady back to her native village. I was given the co-pilot's seat and her corpse in a black plastic bag was laid across the seats behind me . The other seats were occupied by grieving relatives quietly sobbing.
"The journey was only twenty minutes but it was raining heavily and we could not find our landing strip of grass. The pilot asked me to slide my window open and see if I could see anything. The rain lashed my body and turbulence moved the corpse closer to me until her feet were in my back.
"The weather cleared and there was the field below us but were too high so the plot pushed the nose down and the lady slipped further forward pinning me against the front window. I was shaking as we landed and I had to go off somewhere and stand quietly. Playing footsie with a corpse is not recommended.Thats one I would like to forget but can't."
5th over England 11-0 (Target 145; Strauss 5, Cook 6) England look comfortable and work Hafeez round the pitch. "The only reason I was not at Rob Smyth's birthday last night is because I was NFI, and thanks very much for rubbing that in, Tom," writes Hadley Freeman. "But considering I once had a conversation with the birthday boy about the acceptability (or otherwise) of dungarees on a grown man, I have no doubt at all I would have been very impressed indeed by the fashions at this party (to which I was not invited) being pushed, worked and, indeed, owned." Most people would consider not being invited to Smyth's birthday a bonus. You could have stood in a field on your own all night and still had a better host.
6th over England 12-0 (Target 145; Strauss 6, Cook 6)Strauss guides the ball down to third man for a single. If England do win this, it'll show they're incapable of playing two bad Tests in a row at the moment. "I spent 10 hours phenomenally hungover in a little Toyota minivan on the Kazakh steppe, going to the Kazakh national oil company Bond villain-like lair in the mountains north of Astana," says Paddy Blewer, impressing us a little bit. "Two things really stand out. The steppe Does. Not. Change. You lose any sense of place and time. Also they had the russian version of Little Britain on the van's dvd player. 'Nasha Russia'. Similar jokes, but more brutal in a particulay brutal Russian way..." You got a DVD player? That's an excellent journey.
7th over England 12-0 (Target 145; Strauss 6, Cook 6) A maiden for Hafeez but no threat to speak of. Sky tell us that England have only lost once in the last 100 years while chasing fewer than 150 runs. "I once took the Greyhound from Boston to San Francisco," says Jamie Kirkaldy. "Naively believing American bus services would be the definition of comfort and convenience, I expected to be sat in air conditioning watching films all the way. The reality: four days staring out of a window with only a Walkman, three tapes and a book I finished on the first morning for company. On day three, some hick spent four hours trying to convince me to join the circus with him." I should point out Jamie recently won California Lion Tamer of the Year.
8th over England 12-0 (Target 145; Strauss 6, Cook 6) Right. Ajmal is on. This is where things could get tricky for England. Cook fends off the first few balls. I'm guessing we may see more of that. Pakistan have a think about a review for lbw but it was sliding down leg and they let things be.
9th over England 13-0 (Target 145; Strauss 7, Cook 6) Hawkeye says that lbw shout in the last over was indeed missing. Strauss is on all sorts of trouble as Hafeez's delivery misses the outside edge. There's a noise but it was bat hitting pad. Rather impressively, seeing as England were scoring at 0.00004 an over, Pakistan have slowed England down.
10th over England 14-0 (Target 145; Strauss 8, Cook 6) Strauss gets a single, playing across the line. He gets away with it though and Ajmal concedes his first run. "There's that Walkman again," says Rich Sharland, "is that like a dansette but newer, somehow portable? It doesn't sound so funky..." I want one, whatever it is.
11th over England 14-0 (Target 145; Strauss 8, Cook 6) Strauss rocks back and attempts to crack it through cover but it's straight to a fielder. No need for England to rush, I reckon they've still got just enough time with a day and a bit to go. Maiden.
12th over England 14-0 (Target 145; Strauss 8, Cook 6) The run rate for the last six overs is, seriously, 0.35 an over. Cook bats out a maiden.
Here's Mac Millings On Travel: "This story has come up before, and doesn't bear repeating, but here it is anyway. Many years ago, I was on a train in China during Spring Festival (around Chinese New Year), a time when it seems that everyone in the country is on the move. The train was packed, and, just when you thought no one else could get on, we'd pull in at a station and more people would climb in through the windows, after first handing up baggage and children. It was fun for me until the food poisoning I'd unknowingly contracted eating dodgy train station food kicked in.
"I struggled over the mass of humanity to the toilet (a little room with a hole open to the tracks below as they chugged past), to find 3 people asleep in it. So I hiked back to my seat (held for me by my wife). As time went by, I kept getting worse. I tried to hold it in, really I did. First, I threw up out of the window.
"Then I took out my travel-convenient lunch pail, lowered my trousers and, in front of 100s of surprisingly nonchalant fellow passengers, emptied my bowels into it. I still have the lunch pail, by the way; and yes, I have since eaten out of it." Ha! So it was you that woke me up from my sleep in the toilet.
13th over England 14-0 (Target 145; Strauss 8, Cook 6) I thought that was a run for a minute but Strauss's push to mid off is gathered. England are actually playing this sensibly, not taking any risks but one run would be nice. Is that too much to ask?
14th over England 18-0 (Target 145; Strauss 10, Cook 7) Strauss launches a volley of sixes. Or maybe he gets a single. Small steps though. We end up with four off the over! Whoop! "This innings is turning into an arduous journey," says Seth Ennis, correctly.
WICKET! England 21-1 (Cook 7 c &b Hafeez) "At that run rate it will take 414.2 overs to get 145 runs. I'm putting my mortgage on a draw," says Niall Mullen auditioning for the numbers round on Countdown. Hold on to your horses, Niall, Strauss just got a three, snicked behind three. Cook then goes to Hafeez. Early problems for England. Cook was getting impatient - unlike him - and the shot was rash. It took the leading edge and Hafeez's return catch was a good one.
16th over England 23-1 (Target 145; Strauss 16, Bell 0) Bell is in at No2 because Trott is ill. Not in the dope sense more in the sense of some of the stories we've been reading about on this OBO. Strauss gets a couple down to third man.
17th over England 26-1 (Target 145; Strauss 16, Bell 3) Rehman replaces Hafeez and Bell attacks him from the off. He drives down to deep midwicket for three. Pakistan have a shout for a catch as Strauss fends to short leg. Replays are inconclusive and the benefit of the doubt goes to Strauss. I didn't think it carried. "From a litany of bleakness, two terrible journeys stand out for me," says Guy Hornsby. "14 hours overnight from Brisbane to Townsville by coach was a highlight. My reserved seat had me sat next to a drunk, ahem, portly woman with a cast on one arm that took up 1.3 seats. I slept for 2 hours. Also up there was flying Sydney to London the wrong way. Apart from numerous US airport security staff that'd make the Gestapo seem amiable, my journey included an extra stop in LA, the worst food I've ever tasted and being thrown out of duty free in Newark (a shed of a terminal) because transit passengers 'are not allowed to browse'. NEVER again."
WICKET!!!!! England 26-2 (Bell 3 b Ajmal) Bell is bowled through his legs, the ball rolling agonisingly on to his stumps after he'd fended it down to, what he thought, was safety. The collapse is on!
18th over England 28-2 (Target 145; Strauss 17, Pieteresen 1) KP gets off the mark with a quick single off his first ball. He looks relieved and so he should considering the pressure Pakistan are putting them under. The tension shows as England mix themselves up and Pietersen has to scramble back to avoid the run out.
19th over England 29-2 (Target 145; Strauss 17, Pieteresen 1) Pakistan are having a good old chatter around the bat now. England can't get runs away to relieve the pressure. Rehman slides one past Strauss and he just misses the stumps. "Since Ms Freeman is gracing the obo these days I wonder if I could Ask Hadley what is the best outfit for me to wear while reading the obo and watching the cricket," says Niall Mullen. "I'm currently wearing underpants (by Next) and a white T-shirt (designer unknown). I'm thinking about adding a slightly threadbare dressing gown to the ensemble but I'm worried because I've heard less is more. What should I do?" I think she's onyl contracted to be Asked once a week. You'll have to pay, but I reckon you can't go wrong with dressing gown.
20th over England 33-2 (Target 145; Strauss 21, Pieteresen 1) Strauss has been struggling but he brings up the first boundary of the innings with a lovely glide to deep point. "Surely I can't be the first to say that Trott has got the trotts," says Paul Walters. Correct you're not. But you are in the first 100,000 so you're doing OK.
WICKET!! England 33-3 (Pietersen lbw b Rehman 1) It's a straight one and it would have clipped the top of the stumps – he reviews but the call goes with the on-field umpire and England are in real trouble. On a positive note, the socre 33-3 does have a nice symmetry about it.
WICKET!!!! England 37-4 (Morgan 0 b Rehman) Anyone have much confidence in Morgan here? Well ... He misses the ball and is clean bowled.
22nd over England 39-4 (Target 145; Strauss 23, Prior 0) England captain Andrew Strauss needs, well, a captain's innings. He gets a couple down to third man. Luckily England's best batsmen all bat below No5 these days so all is not lost. "If we're still on journeys, I've flown home from Chisinau this morning courtesy of Air Moldova," says Gary Naylor. "Could not have been easier. Mind you, the tough part is still to come - the 77 from Clapham Junction to Tooting." You should write a book on the 77 journey. One of the epics.
TEA: My word. Cook and Strauss we making steady if sloooow progress at the start of the innings but Pakistan's spinners started to strangle them and the pressure told. Once Cook was out nobody got in. England were relieved to go in for tea.
Elliot Wilson has a good Worst Journeys story: "In 2008 I decided to take a trek across Kazakhstan Tom. I'm a journalist and I'd been to Almaty in Kazakhsan several times but I wanted to trek past the dying Aral Sea to the Caspian, so I flew up to a town called Kyszszlorda. It had been snowing however, so my onward train from Kyszszlorda to Aralsk had already left. The next one (which terminated in Moscow 60 hours later) didn't pass by for another 24 hours so I decided, at around midnight and in sub-zero temperatures (it was still early March on the steppe) to get a taxi the six hours to Aralsk, an ex-fishing port.
"Unfortunately I was a) still dressed only in a suit and thin coat and b) I chose an insane taxi driver who stopped off in a nowhere village in the steppe to pick up his brother who, it turned out, was a leper. Only when he turned the car light and leered at me did I see half his face was hanging off.
"This revelation, and the insane high-pitched giggle of the driver, who I picked up was his brother (a smattering of Russian helped) forced me, with rucksack, to make a fairly low-speed leap out of their Lada car and into the steppe. It took an hour to hike in the direction of some light (an 'Aral' petrol station) where I got some mobile phone signal and phoned the only person I knew in Kyszszlorda, a friend of a Dutch journalist, who quickly found a couple of blokes who needed to be in Aralsk. Neither of them were lepers, and they drove me, and a car full of fruit they wanted to sell, to Aralsk, where I was mugged. But that's a story for another story."
Bring back Ravi (part one): "I can't help thinking that if it was Ravi Bopara - who brings a lot more to the side than Morgan - getting out cheaply time and time again, there would be no end of headlines about how he's just not a Test cricketer," says Rob Marriott. "But Eoin Morgan is apparently god's gift to middle order batting, so he'll be just fine, and turning out for England for some years to come without too much criticism. Bah, I say. Bopara is every bit as mediocre a Test batsman as the Irishman, every bit as unexceptional a fielder, plus he can bowl very usefully. Bopara. Now." Ravi? Are you there?
James Dart will be taking over for a while, so send your emails to james.dart@guardian.co.uk. He'll correct your spelling if you're nice to him.
Morning/afternoon/evening: Well, this is nice.
(Don't necessarily) bring back Ravi (part one): "Ravi might be the next cab off the batting rank, but the best player of spin during England's ODI tour of India was Samit Patel whom I reckon would be a good replacement for Tremlett," writes Mike Selvey. "And I disagree 100% with Lutz about the Strauss referral. That was a [Snip - OBO Bad Word ed] decision by Billy Bowden. So England are lucky it wasn't worse." Agreed.
23rd over: England 44-4 (Target 145; Strauss 27, Prior 1) Prior is quick off the mark with a scampered single as Abdur Rehman resumes. Two balls later and Strauss is given some width, rocking back and calmly guiding the ball past square for four. "I've been moonlighting on the tennis MBM but your travel tales here take me back to India, an eight-hour journey (in theory) from McCleod Ganj to Chandigarh and a bus that leaked upwards," recalls Seamus Whitehead. "Not only did the seat offer me no legroom, the backrest barely reached halfway up my back and the first six hours was spent lolling around as the bus careered down the mountains. After that the journey got steadily worse, as we waited at a flooded river for five hours with lights and music on full (whilst all other vehicles turned round and found another route) before setting off across flooded roads. This is when we noticed that the floor of the bus, two sheets of metal, wasn't joined properly and every 'lake' we crossed sent a spurt of water shooting up to the ceiling of the bus, soaking yours truly. Sixteen wet hours later we slopped off the bus into Chandigarh." Saved you a shower.
24th over: England 44-4 (Target 145; Strauss 27, Prior 1) Saeed Ajmal (1-15 off eight) resumes at the other end, giving Prior a testing working-over. He sees it through safely. Maiden.
25th over: England 51-4 (Target 145; Strauss 28, Prior 7) A single for Strauss, followed by two more for Prior, reduces the target to two figures. And then Rehman is punished for dropping short to the England wicketkeeper, who crashes him through cover with a delicious drive. A vital, vital stand here.
26th over: England 51-4 (Target 145; Strauss 28, Prior 7) A zinger from Ajmal beats the outside edge of Strauss and the off stump by a matter of milimetres. It was this close. Another maiden. "I once had to walk from Headingley to the Leeds Metropolitan University campus," offers John Starbuck by way of (supposedly) awful journeys. "It rained all the way and I was wearing new shoes, the heels of which clacked loudly so I was passing people expecting a stunning woman to hove into sight. Disappointment all round."
27th over: England 51-4 (Target 145; Strauss 28, Prior 7) "I am surprised at England's approach to this chase," muses Hashir Majid. "Given how low the score is, it just needs one positive innings of an hour or so to set up the win." Not so easy to be so positive against Ajmal, mind. A maiden from Rehman keeps things tidy at the other end.
28th over: England 51-4 (Target 145; Strauss 28, Prior 7) Another maiden from Ajmal as the pressure cranks up that little bit more. Probably about time I offered some abysmal journeys of my own. Domestically? While living in Leeds in 2000, took a trip down to watch England draw 0-0 with Argentina in a friendly at Wembley. Only for the tube to deliver me back to King's Cross just as the last train north of Peterborough for the night was pulling out. Cue a slow train to Peterborough, a cold night on the platform (with a rather scary individual roaming around the station), and an early train into Leeds the next morning for work. Lovely.
WICKET! Strauss lbw Rehman 32 (England 56-5) One delivery after confident sweeping Rehman for a boundary, Strauss is pinned on the back foot; the ball spins out of the rough and raps the England skipper on the pads. It goes to review, but … WICKET!
29th over: England 56-5 (Target 145; Prior 7, Trott 0) And out comes Jonathan Trott …
30th over: England 56-5 (Target 145; Prior 7, Trott 0) Prior staves off another maiden from Ajmal (1-15 off 12, now). "Further to my worst journey submission (7th over), may I propose a sub-thread of the worst arrival in the world?" suggests Jamie Kirkcaldy. Go ahead, Jamie. "Finally reaching San Francisco at around midnight, I decided to sleep for a few hours in the bus station but a despotic jobsworth told me that only outgoing passengers were allowed to stay overnight and kicked me out. I noticed that another passenger had suffered the same fate so asked her if she was a local and could direct me to an all-night coffee house where I could wait the night out. She seemed to interpret this request as 'please take me on a tour of the dodgiest areas of the city, I would like to be stabbed'." Easy mistake to make. "Having spent half an hour trying to find a liquor store in what she informed me the locals referred to as 'crack town', we ended up sitting in a children's play area in a housing project drinking neat vodka while she filled me in on how her lover got her addicted to heroin to stop her leaving. I can assure you that I was not wearing any flowers in my hair."
31st over: England 60-5 (Target 145; Prior 11, Trott 1) Cool heads in short supply all round: Trott fishes a little cut behind square, which is fielded superbly by Umar Gul; the batsmen get in an almighty mess and Trott ultimately is left to chase down to the other end, looking way, way short of his ground. But as the ball comes in to the wicketkeeper, he completely fluffs his lines and Trott is able to sneak home for a single. Prior then adds a useful three with a similar stroke that beats the fielder off the final ball off the over. "Taking Hashir Majid's point (27th over), England could have sent Broad in at No3 for a biff and, if he had repeated his first innings, the game would be settled," writes Gary Naylor. "If he had failed, well we still had the 'batting' to come."
32nd over: England 60-5 (Target 145; Prior 11, Trott 1) Big appeals from Pakistan, the second of which results in a REVIEW of a shout for lbw against Prior off Ajmal. It looks pretty clearly to be missing leg, which the review highlights. An overexcitable waste. Pakistan are now 2-13 for reviews in this series so far. Maiden.
33rd over: England 60-5 (Target 145; Prior 11, Trott 1) Adnan Akmal continues to appeal for absolutely everything behind the stumps. Trott remains cool and sees off a Rehman maiden. He doesn't quite look 100% but the way in which he scampered through for three a couple of overs back suggests he's up for the fight. "We miss Tresco at the top for these small chases, he'd blast us off to 40-0 from seven or eight overs and we'd be on the front foot," laments Ian Truman. "So I'd have sent out KP and Swanny to open with a licence to blast it and set the field back. England would never do that though, so don't know why I mention it really."
34th over: England 63-5 (Target 145; Prior 14, Trott 1) Prior works Ajmal through the off-side for two and continues to get a good stride down the pitch in the face of this testing bowling. He adds another single down to square leg with a sweep. The over ends with Akmal going up for a huge shout as Trott is clipped a little outside off by Ajmal. It's now 82 to win. "In Kenya, I spent about five hours on a bus eye-to-eye with a pair of chickens, which one of the passengers standing crammed into the aisle was holding," writes Jason Grove. "The bus itself was bright green and adorned with a logo I don't remember, though I like to think it was something like 'live free or die'. It was all topped off with a nice string of christmas lights round the top and a spoiler, presumably to keep the back wheels on the ground while the driver careened through the winding hill roads. No walkman for me, but the bus thoughtfully came equipped with one of those big speakers that bands in pubs usually use, all the better to blast African pop music at us. There was a brief 'respite' from the music however, when a preacher got on and tried to save everyone by yelling at them in Kiswahili. He got off at the next town - about three quarters of an hour later - and normal service on the speaker was resumed."
WICKET! Trott lbw Rehman 1 (England 68-6) Ah. A loose-ball from Rehman gives England four useful leg-byes, but he follows it straight up with a beauty, trapping Trott plumb lbw. It straightened up brilliantly and Trott was well, well beaten.
WICKET! Broad b Rehman 0 (England 68-7) This is all over. Stuart Broad arrives at the crease and is immediately the subject of a big appeal. It's waved away, but he survives just a single delivery more: Rehman gets one to turn in from outside off-stump, clipping Broad's inside edge and flying on to the stumps. A really impressive five-for now for Rehman.
WICKET! Swann lbw Ajmal 0 (England 71-8) There's no escaping it: as impressive as Rehman and Ajmal have been (7-46 off nearly 25 overs between them), this is a miserable collapse from England. Prior adds three, cutting one past the despairing dive of first slip. But that leaves Swann on strike, and Ajmal rips one in from outside off stump, trapping the batsman plumb. England still need 74 more. "Is it cowardly to pray that we can take the positive that at least we can watch the Liverpool v Manchester United game?" asks Neil Withers. It starts in 50 minutes.
36th over: England 72-8 (Target 145; Prior 18, Anderson 1) James Anderson arrives and is off the mark with a single. "There is still hope … Monty to carry on his revival and smack a fifty," cheers Phil Withall. "Simple. Yes, I have been drinking, but you have to have a little faith." Only if that faith if 50% proof or more.
WICKET! Prior c Shafiq b Ajmal 18 (England 72-9) A composed knock from Prior concludes with an ugly, loose stroke: he drives Ajmal uppishly on the off-side, mistiming his stroke and Shafiq takes an easy catch.
WICKET! Anderson c Gul b Rehman 1 (England 72) Filth. Anderson sweep-slogs off Rehman, but the ball skies high to deep square-leg, where Gul almost misjudges, before taking a composed diving catch in front of him. It's all over.
Pakistan win the second Test by 72 runs and take an (unassailable) 2-0 series lead. England's lowest ever Test score against Pakistan, apparently, and Andy Flower's (world No1) team have only pride and some ranking points to play for in the final Test.
The aftermath (from your emails):
"Yesterday on TMS, Geoff Boycott said that he would put his house on an England win," recalls Umran Sarwar. "Do we want to do a whip-round for the old boy to put him up in a shelter for the night?"
"Earlier today, Zimbabwe lost all 20 wickets inside one day in Napier," writes Chris Kilford. "Are England trying to upstage them?"
"One word for that," sniffs Jerry Thomas. "Pathetic."
Journey's end: That's that for now. We'll be back for coverage of the third Test. Thanks for all your mails. I'll leave you with these:
"Apropos the worst journey riff, I lived in north London for a couple of years and used to regularly take the N29 on Saturday nights," writes Matthew Webb. "There must be others reading who can fully grasp the horror of that statement."
"Speaking of horrendous journeys, a most memorable one was travelling back from the Isle of Wight to York after the Bestival music festival in 2008," says Richard in York. "Anyone that was there could confirm that the weather leading up to the festival was rain, rain and more rain, causing the festival site to be 99% mud and 1% vegetation. However, like some sort of moron I had only brought with me one pair of jeans and one pair of light trainers to wear all weekend. My friend and I fashioned some temporary waterproof socks to wear over our feet (plastic bags). Anyway, the journey back involved a bus, a boat, and then a train journey for several hours up to York. Unwashed and caked in mud from waist down, I wasn't the most popular passenger on the quiet coach of a Crosscountry train filled mostly with Monday evening commuters. One poor lady even opted to change trains than sit next to me. So, all in all, not a terrible journey for me, but for everyone else sitting in Coach B. I had my comeuppance mind, as when I got to York, worried that I couldn't feel my toes, I was informed by my GP that I'd gotten trench foot after a weekend of wearing plastic bags over sweaty feet."
"I was on a four-leg overnight Greyhound ride from Brunswick GA to New Orleans," remembers Dan Wilson. "Before the bus departed Tallahassee, the man sitting behind me who looked like John C Reilly was told by the driver he had to stow away his tool box underneath. He protested that they couldn't exactly be used as offensive weapons but complied. My neighbour, who I shall name Pedro, joked 'I hope he doesn't find my knives'. I laughed politely. Then, when the bus was on its way, he got out his phone and started muttering into it in Spanish for about a minute then stopped speaking and held it up whereupon it started emitting a loud beep every so often. It was loud enough to anger the bus driver who demanded to know whose the phone was. Mindful of Pedro's knives, I said nothing. He owned up eventually and we were back on the road. Then, thinking this guy couldn't get any weirder, for the remainder of the overnight bus journey, Pedro vigorously rubbed his groin. Through his trousers, but still, I couldn't let myself go to sleep. Whatever this guy's itch was, he wasn't satisfied for hours. I dunno if this makes it more or less creepy, but it turned out, as we disembarked in Mobile, that his wife and child were in the seats in front."
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