Knowing how to handle the marital relationship

 

As-Salamu-laykim,

This is a very complicated question to answer but Insha-Allah, Allah(swt)
will make it easy for us. I recentlly got married and I find myself in a world of
problems. Our personalities clash, our mentalities are different. My wife feels that
I terrible to her, and the worse part is that it's all misunderstandings that have
been cleared up through consultations. However, my wife is also supisious, very
defiant, and often insults and accuses me of being devious and a hyprocrite.

So what should
i do ?

Praise be to Allaah.

Part of the Grace and Kindness of Allaah towards the sons of Adam is
that He has prescribed marriage for them, and has made it so that they produce offspring
in this organized and proper fashion. Marriage is one of the strongest and most noble
covenants in the sight of Allaah, and the family is the most important unit in the
structure of society. It is essential that a person gives priority to putting his own
house in order and strives to teach his family the laws of Allaah. One of the things that
he should make sure he teaches his wife is the duties that she has towards her husband,
and the rights that are due to her.

Islam has stated these rights and duties, and it obliges and urges both
spouses to fulfil them. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “… And
they (women) have rights (over their husbands) similar to (those of their husbands) over
them to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over
them…” [al-Baqarah 2:228]

The aayah states that for every right there is a reciprocal duty which
must be fulfilled. In this way balance is achieved between them in all aspects, which
supports the stability of family life. Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him)
said concerning the aayah: “It means: they have the right to good companionship and
kind treatment on the part of their husbands, just as they have to obey their husbands in
whatever they tell them to do.” Ibn Zayd said: “Fear Allaah concerning them just
as they have to fear Allaah concerning you.” Al-Qurtubi said: “This aayah
includes all the marital rights and duties.”

Among these rights and duties are:

Turning a blind eye to faults and mistakes, especially words and deeds
by which nothing bad was intended. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “…
those who repress anger, and who pardon men; verily Allaah loves as muhsinoon (the
good-doers).” [Aal ‘Imraan 3:134]

Both husband and wife must put up with one another, for every child of
Adam may slip, and the person whom one should put up with the most is the one with whom
one lives and mixes the most. Neither party should resort to a tit-for-tat response. If
one spouse sees the other becoming very angry, he or she should restrain his or her own
anger and not respond immediately. For this reason Abu’l-Darda’ (may Allaah be
pleased with him) said to his wife: “If you see me angry, calm me down, and if I see
you angry I will calm you down, otherwise we cannot live together.”

Among the most important duties is:

Each spouse should advise the other to obey Allaah. According to a
saheeh hadeeth, some of the Sahaabah asked the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be
upon him): “Can you tell us which kind of wealth is the best, so that we may strive
to acquire it?” He said: “The best (wealth) is a remembering tongue (one which
always remembers Allaah), a thankful heart, and a believing wife who will help you with
your faith.” (Reported by Ahmad, 5/278; al-Tirmidhi, 3039; Saheeh
al-Jaami’, 5231)

A man should not hate his wife if he sees in her
something that he dislikes, because if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will
like another which will make up for it. It was reported that the Prophet
(peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No believing man should hate a believing
woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.” (Reported
by Muslim, 36).

Samurah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that
the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Woman was created
from a rib, and if you try to straighten the rib you will break it, so be gentle with her
and you will be able to live with her.” (Reported by Ahmad, 5/8; Ibn Maajah,
1308; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 2/163).

One of the most important things that can make married
life happy is a good attitude, hence Islam raised its status. The Prophet
(peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) reached the utmost heights of good treatment of others
and good attitude. Abu’l-Darda’ reported that the Prophet
(peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is nothing that can be placed in the scales that
will weigh heavier than a good attitude, and a good attitude can help a person reach the
status of one who fasts and prays.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 2003; Abu
Dawood, 4799). Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that
the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The most perfect of
the believers in faith are those who are the best in attitude, and the best of you are
those who are best to their women.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 1/217; Ahmad,
2/250; al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 284).

Both spouses should turn a blind eye and avoid picking
on matters great and small, or rebuking and scolding about any matter except duties
towards Allaah. This is what Allaah tells us to do (interpretation of the meaning): “…
And live with them (women) honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a
thing and Allaah brings through it a great deal of good.” [al-Nisa’ 4:19].

As far as different environments are concerned, a man should take care
to pay special attention to this, such as allowing his wife to mix with good women from
among her surroundings and intelligent, well-mannered women from among your surroundings.
Although she must obey you and not go out of your house without permission, at the same
time you should not prevent her from going out to places where she wants to go, so long as
there is nothing bad there. You should let her receive trustworthy women in her house, in
order to have some social life and a refreshing change of routine, especially in our times
when many women no longer obey the Divine command to remain in their homes and do not pay
proper attention to it – especially Muslim women who live in non-Muslim countries
where there is too much freedom.

We also advise you to give her some freedom of choice in issues that do
not cause any harm, such as choosing food, colours for things in the house, or gifts to be
given on various occasions. You should also seek her opinion in matters of concern to you
both, such as naming your children – knowing that this is your right according to
Islam – and where to spend your vacation.

You should also involve her and seek her opinion when making some
decisions in which it is appropriate to include her, such as dealing with behavioural
problems in your children, finding ways to reconcile disputing relatives or neighbours,
and especially in resolving the problems between the two of you. Try to raise her level of
education with suitable reading material and attendance at gatherings where the program
and fellow-attendees will help to achieve the desired aim. Such programs may be available
in some Islamic centres. Know that paying attention to her intellectual level, working
with her way of thinking, understanding her psychology, treating her appropriately, being
good to her and making her feel good are among the most effective ways of showing how wise
and manly you are and how good your personality is. We ask Allaah to reconcile between you
and bring you back together, and help you both to do that which He likes and which pleases
Him.