Now the American right has even hijacked breast cancer's pink ribbon

The most seemingly apolitical things are now deepy political. Having helmet-like hair: rightwing. Eating vegetables: leftwing

Hadley Freeman

Karen Handel has resigned from Komen following the row over withdrawing funding to Planned Parenthood. Photograph: John Bazemore/AP

Winter evenings getting you down? Fear not! Here is an exciting parlour game to help you while away the dark hours. It is called Right or Left? and is, impressively, nearly as simpleminded as Red or Black?, Simon Cowell's recent contribution to Britain's self-lobotomisation, but with more potential to discuss cancer, abortion and other things Ant and Dec tend to stay mum on. Fun for all the family!

Right or Left? determines whether anything, even an illness, is right or left in its political leanings. Yes, illnesses. You may not have heard of Susan G Komen for the Cure, or Komen, the behemoth breast cancer research foundation in America, but you have undoubtedly seen its most famous trapping, the pink ribbon, which the foundation arguably invented back in 1991. Since its inception in 1982, Komen has invested more than $2bn for breast cancer research and prevention, which made its recent behaviour a tad surprising.

Last week, Komen announced that it was withdrawing its $600,000 annual funding from Planned Parenthood, an organisation it has long supported, and which helps to provide breast cancer screening, prevention and awareness to lower income women in America, owing, Komen claimed, to purely "regulatory" reasons. On Sunday, the Huffington Post got access to emails suggesting that this decision was, as most suspected, political and motivated by Karen Handel, Komen's recently appointed and avowedly anti-abortion vice-president for public policy.

Planned Parenthood has been under attack repeatedly from the right because of its abortion and contraceptive services, even though abortion counts for only 3% of its work. None of the grants from Komen went to abortion services – they went into cancer detection, precisely what the foundation claims to support.

Aside from Handel, Komen's CEO Nancy Brinkler served as an ambassador under George W Bush and donates heavily to Republican candidates. And speaking of Bush, the former president's press secretary, Ari Fleischer, has since been exposed for his involvement in Komen's strategy on Planned Parenthood. Komen's hiring of Handel, feminist website Jezebel wrote, "was a continuation of the gradual reddening of the foundation".

After a massive public and political outcry, Komen reversed its decision to strip Planned Parenthood of funding, although not everyone was happy with this slight de-reddening – pinking, one could say – of Komen's policy. Today Handel resigned from the foundation, while Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum has claimed that Komen should not provide any support to Planned Parenthood because of the "ties to cancer and abortions". Never mind that there is a more likely correlation between sweater vests and stupidity than abortions and breast cancer, have I mentioned already that abortions account for just 3% of Planned Parenthood's work?

But that, of course, is not the point. As Gail Collins wrote in the New York Times, "we have now hit the point where there's nothing that can't be divided into red-state, blue-state."

Yes, it's like a Dr Seuss book gone very weird, in which even the most seemingly apolitical things are now deeply political, with breast cancer charities being co-opted by the right and used to promote their anti-women agendas.

Perhaps this was inevitable as the Republican party became less about economic conservatism and more about social conservatism, and a politician's lifestyle became at least as significant as his political credibility. Claiming one is middle class when one is phenomenally wealthy is increasingly a Republican thing; living in a big city or, worse, on one of the coasts that is not part of a mythical land called Real America is very much a Democrat thing.

(Incidentally, narking off musicians is very much a rightwing thing, as we were reminded last week when both Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich were called out for using songs without the musicians' permission, something that happens to a lot of to rightwing politicians in America. Heart, for example, complained after Sarah Palin used one of their songs; sadly, 'twas not their great sperm-stealing hitchhiking classic, All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You.)

Not that Democrats have shied away from similarly freighting down the most unlikely things with political significance. Being a good pet owner, it turns out, is a Democrat cause. Two weeks ago the communications director for Obama's re-election campaign, David Axelrod, tweeted a photo of the president and First Dog in a car together with the message, "How loving owners transport their dogs" – a dig at Romney who infamously once drove to Canada with his dog strapped to the roof of his car.

Having helmet-like hair: rightwing. Eating vegetables: leftwing. Religion: rightwing. Science: leftwing. But really, the possibilities here are endless! Flowers: rightwing (so decorative, so expensive); trees: leftwing (so climate change-y, so environmental). Dresses: rightwing (so ladylike); trousers (on women): leftwing (so Hillary Clinton-y).

So like I said, fun for all the family! Unless anyone in your family has discovered that not only do they have a life-threatening illness, but that their illness has been co-opted by a political party who are using it to promote their own agenda. Then it's probably a lot less fun.